I'm the coffee that burns your tongue (jonnaliz) wrote in label_debate,
I'm the coffee that burns your tongue

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Wow... I haven't posted in here for a while.

I think everyone in this community pretty much despises labelling, besides the fact that we all seem to do it. And I hate saying it, but I do it all the time. I don't even know I do it. And I feel that human nature has this huge fatal flaw, the way we look at others, and only see external, and we will never get to see the person inside. And that's what's sad, I'll never get to REALLY know the people I meet, because I'll either think inside that they're a bimbo, or they won't want to talk to me.

I go to this group at school called Gay Straight Alliance... and we had a discussion going on... and one of the questions on a sheet of paper asked, "If we were all blind, would the world be better?" and I just thought what a brilliant question that was, because in a way, I feel it was a bit true. We wouldn't care about clothes, or hair, or all of these materialistic things to make us look beautiful. I think we would worry more about who we are inside, because that's all that everyone would see.

As of late, I've become very... hmm... self-aware. I realize that I'm fat. I never really did... because I didn't care what anyone else thought... but now I do. and I hate this feeling, because I'm constantly looking around, and acting weird, like I have a reason to try to be beautiful... which I doubt will ever happen. I've been made fun of for being fat ever since I was a little kid... and I was the girl who cried once a week... and no one cared, because I just had to "handle it"... I got grass shoved in my mouth because i was a "cow", and now, I just feel that I should have done something than just cry...

whoa. I'm getting off topic. But in honesty, I begin to think, if I were any thinner, would I have more friends? If I weren't so ugly, would guys like me? And it's pretty selfish to think about, and I hate thinking about it, but it's true. People never want to look inside of a person who is ugly or fat. And that's me. And maybe I'm ugly inside also. And I have nothing within me... everything that is external is also internal.

And honestly, again, if people judge me for just being overweight, then why should I waste my time with them? Why should I even bother thinking about it?

Out of this whole lifetime, I've had one real friend, that didn't judge me for what I looked like, that didn't care if I was fat or ugly. And everyone else talked behind me back, or didn't know I was alive.

And I'm realizing that if people are going to just look at me and not bother... then I'm not going to bother for them... because I don't have enough time in this world to endlessly walk around in circles.
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